Once upon a time there was a beautiful damsel held prisoner in a tree by 4 ghoulish undead warriors.  For days she sat perched in this tree, waiting for what she had assumed to be the short zombie attention span to bring her respite, but alas!  It seemed that her predicament could result in only one tragic ending, until from her high vantage point she spied a handsome gentleman strolling by, and she rejoiced because she knew that her hero had arrived.

Ok, so, just for the record, zombies do have much greater powers of attention than you might assume.  I wasn’t stuck in that damn tree for days, more like a day, but trust me it felt much longer (most trees aren’t big on amenities).  But the benefit of my situation was that I had a great view of the surrounding area.  I could see two houses and a barn within what looked like a mile.  I also saw a guy walking up the road in the same direction that I’d been walking.  My heart literally leapt when I saw him; he was nicely built, strong and relatively tall, and his steady gait and clean appearance suggested that he was alive (always a good sign).  My first instinct was to call for help, but I didn’t want to alert the zombies to his presence, as he seemed to be unarmed.  I was trying to think what the best course of action was when things were taken out of my hands – he started whistling – just a whistling, taking a nice morning stroll…

Predictably the zombies attention was drawn and they started their slow shamble away from my tree and towards the road.

“Hey!” I called, “Hey I’m stuck in a tree, can you hear me?”

The guy stopped and looked around, and I waved my arms frantically so he could pick me  out of the dense mass of branches and pine needles.  Finally he caught sight of me.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah.  There are zombies coming right towards you!”

“What?” He started laughing, “How long have you been in that tree?  I’ll be right over, just hold on.”

“NO, no.  Don’t come over here!  There are zombies, seriously!”

But he obviously hadn’t heard the news yet, and though that I was joking, or off my rocker, and he was making his way towards the stand of trees where I had been residing without hesitation.  And I was now faced with the fact that I was going to have to rescue my rescuer or else watch him torn apart by the living dead.

“Shit.  What the fuck?” I muttered as I scanned the ground below me to make sure that all my stalkers had really walked away.  I then scrambled down the tree as fast as I possibly could.  On the ground I could still see the zombies, moving just ridiculously slowly, and I could hear my hero stomping through brush not far away.  I needed a plan, or a weapon.  I took a deep breath and looked around.  All that I could see was trees, pine needles and fallen branches.  By now the guy from the road had come through the brush and could see the zombies who were diligently approaching him.  I grabbed a large branch off the ground, one that I though looked sturdy, and ran over towards them.  The gentleman was surprised to see four other guys in the woods, and I’m not sure if he had time to put together their disheveled appearance and shambling gait with my warning of zombies, before I came up and hit one of them brutally.  The zombie fell to the ground and I yelled, “They’re zombies!”, as I swung widely trying to hit as many of  the others as possible.  I jumped over the fallen zombie so that I was standing next to my would-be rescuer and said, “I could really use your help here!”, as I pushed away zombies with the end of my branch. Luckily he didn’t  take too long on the uptake and he grabbed his own branch and started fighting.  I bashed in the head of the fallen zombie, and then turned my attention on the next closest one.  By swinging forcefully and ignoring the horrible wet thwacking and the eventual crack of the skull, I dispatched another zombie and turned to see who was next.  To my great relief, the work had been done, and the only other animated being in sight was the poor confused guy from the road, standing holding a blood-splattered branch and looking both disturbed and confused.

“Hey, are you ok?” I asked.


“Zombies.  The living dead.  They’re all over the place, I can’t believe you didn’t know.”

“These guys were zombies?”

“Yep, they had me stuck up that tree for a whole day.  God knows when they would have left if you hadn’t come by.  So, thanks man.”

“Yeah, no problem, I guess.  What should we do?  Like, call the cops, or something?”

“Um, I’m kind of guessing that they have their hands full.  I was on my way to try to find a gun or some other kind of weapon when these ones cornered me, so that’s probably what I’m going to do now.  I think there are a few houses not too far from here.”

“I know where there are guns,” he said, “I bet we could get our hands on a few of them.”

“That would be awesome.”

“It’s only a little over a mile from here.”

“Ok, let’s go.  If we’re quiet and keep our eyes open, we could make it.”

And so, clutching our branches, we made our way out through the trees to the road.